Values and Actions
how I am moving toward living my live in accordance with my values, guided by the words of bell hooks
The first time I read all about love by bell hooks was in the beginning of 2023, as I was finishing my last semester of college. When I look back through the book, I have notes written in the margins and plenty of things highlighted, but the messages did not stick with me very deeply for whatever reason. Now, as I am reading it again for the book club I co-host, I am realizing how many of these ideas and lessons intertwine with things I read and witness and participate in everyday (which, when you think of it is really just all of life). I most recently read Chapters 5 and 6 (Spirituality: Divine Love and Values: Living by a Love Ethic) for our next meeting, and it seems like as soon as I read the chapter on values, I kept seeing that word/idea pop up in different places in my life. Funny enough this actually coincides a lot with the astrology of the moment (we just had a lunar eclipse in Pisces on Sunday, September 7th), and it feels as though a lot of things are starting to come into alignment.
A day or so after doing my reading for book club, I was scrolling on Substack and came across a piece titled You don't need an "aesthetic," you need a value system.
In this essay, author Erica laments about the micro-trend obsessed internet: how she was tired of trying to fit herself into all of these constantly changing molds, running out to grab the newest fad product, and spending hours at a time scrolling on her phone, until she ultimately realized that none of this was actually beneficial to her character or her personhood. She reflects on all of this, saying "[Instead] I sat there wondering why I was so tired all the time. Part of the answer? I’m burned out from constantly consuming content about how to improve myself. There are better questions to ask: What do I actually value? Who are the people I admire? What makes me feel most alive? What makes me feel disgusting? Who do I secretly envy?" As someone who also finds themselves going down these spirals of self-improvement (which can often be filled with shaming the current version of myself), I related a lot to the feelings she was describing. Reading this alongside the writing of bell hooks caused me stop and examine my own values, not only to define what they are, but to make sure I am acting in accordance with them. In all about love, bell hooks uses an anecdote to explain that we need to close the gap between our values and actions in order to create a more just society (p. 90-91), and it made me question how many times I have said I believe a certain thing, but then don't act in accordance with that belief. In order to start closing that gap for myself, I decided it would be a helpful exercise to sit and ponder these questions that Erica posed for myself.
What is the definition of value?
When I started this exercise of naming what things I value, I first had to ask myself, well what actually is a value?
According to the Oxford dictionary, value means:
noun
the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something
a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life
verb
estimate the monetary worth of (something)
consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of
As I have been writing and reading more, I have found it really beneficial for my own thinking and learning to explore the definitions and roots of words, giving myself something more concrete to hold on to. When examining what I personally value, I thought about the things that are important to me, what I regard highly, and also what things I think are steps toward building a more just society. When thinking about people I admire, I thought of people whose values often align with mine, or can even offer a broader perspective and new ways of thinking. (And so on and so forth). So here are my answers to that exercise:
What do I actually value?
the act of creation, in all types of mediums
building community (even through the hardships and downfalls)
kindness in honesty (something I need to practice giving)
friends who reach out just to say hi
beautiful things (broadly)
being unabashedly queer
having a safe place to call home (which I believe everyone deserves)
Who are the people I admire?
my partner
my friends
past professors
Anna from Wild Geese (parasocial, but she has really inspired me)
people who follow their passions
What makes me feel most alive?
roller coasters
building genuine connections
being led on adventures by outgoing friends
sharing in uncontrollable laughter
reflecting with my partner after a good day
What makes me feel disgusting?
examining my body too close for too long
scratching a surface that gives you shivers (sensory ick)
breaking down in front of others
being wrong about something I felt strongly about
hearing men objectify women
Who do I secretly envy?
trust fund kids
people who started working in their field straight out of college
stay at home moms (more in theory than in practice)
peers that travel abroad often
After answering these questions, to go back to the ideas of bell hooks, I thought about how I could better align my actions with what I value. One thing I could do more is practice gratitude; I do have a safe to call home, and I could take more time to be thankful that I have such a beautiful space I share with my partner and friend. I could take more walks to appreciate natural beauty, or go visit the DIA and admire beautiful architecture and artwork. I could also get more involved with local art events, which would allow me to build my community network, and hopefully start to share my own art with others. I can practice the act of reaching out to friends or loved ones first, something I often shy away from doing even though I really value my friends that check on me. I can try to be more involved with my community, with my neighbors, practicing being more social. I can follow my passions and my creativity, to become more like the people I admire. I can try to be more present with loved ones even when I'm not in the best mental space, because more often than not, connection can make so many of my worries wash away. I can practice asking for help, and asking for what I need, to help lessen my feelings of shame and embarassment. I can get more comfortable with admitting when I'm wrong, and I can take the time to examine my negative beliefs about myself that actually don't align with my beliefs in general, and practice being kinder to myself.
"To live our lives based on the principles of a love ethic (showing care, respect, knowledge, integrity, and the will to cooperate), we have to be courageous. Learning how to face our fears is one way we embrace love. Our fear may not go away, but it will not stand in the way."
bell hooks
It occurred to me that all of the actions I named really are just ways that I can better live my life by a love ethic. According to bell hooks, "A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well." What she says about a love ethic perfectly summates my own beliefs about the world; it is so important to me that humans help each other and that everyone be allowed to live a happy, fulfilling life. One thing I often have a hard time with is extending the love I am willing to give others to myself. And of course, this is something bell hooks talks about earlier in the book, in Chapter 4 where she focuses on self-esteem. How can I believe that everyone deserves to live a full and happy life, but often get in my own way, denying myself things that would enhance my happiness, out of fear? How can I encourage and compliment others, then turn around and talk to myself in a way that is harsh and cruel? It doesn't make sense. The last couple months I have been making an effort to be kinder to myself, to nurture my interests, and while every day isn't perfect, it definitely makes a difference. I have so much love to give, and it's only right that I give some to myself, so that I can better share with others.
I encourage anyone reading this to do this exercise for yourself: take a moment to examine your values, ask yourself if you are living in accordance with them, and brainstorm on some things you can do to better align your own values and actions. The more we as people, and as a society live aligned with our values, and practice living by a love ethic, the better our world will be because of it.
Until next time,
anna rose
"Those of us who have already chosen to embrace a love ethic, allowing it to govern and inform how we think and act, know that when we let our light shine, we draw to us and are drawn to other bearers of light. We are not alone."
bell hooks
wow loved reading this! ive also been thinking about how living by your values kind of forces you go thru life more intentionally. maybe in a way I feel like that allows me to be more present🤔🤔